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You Don’t Have To Be A Sardine To Live Here But………

Have you always dreamed of a life afloat? Have you ever looked at a can of newly opened sardines and thought – “they look so cosy and content in that compact yet entirely adequate accommodation?”

Of course you have!

Well, look no further. We have the perfect platform to make your life as a human sardine a reality!

A floating tin can!

Yes, you read that correctly – your very own floating tin can, at a price that won’t drain your finances.

Situated in the rapidly developing Docklands area, enviably located right beside the 3 Arena, and only a few oar lengths from Dublin Port Ferry Terminal, this is a superb springboard to a better life on the ocean blue*

You will feel pampered and privileged** when you wake every morning to the mellifluous sound of sea gulls serenading the arrival of another sun-drenched day in Dublin Port.

You will positively love the smell of diesel in the morning – occasionally too, small chemical spillages from passing freighters catch fire, and the toast tastes absolutely exotic! [Modest additional charge for this extra amenity]

Your morning swim (whether voluntary or accidental) can double as a treasure-hunting expedition cum salvage operation – the China market is awash (pardon the pun!) right now with urgent requests for abandoned shopping trolleys, rusting bicycles and washing machine carcasses! Your future waterside residence comes with the potential to make a killing! [Caution advised: MyHovel.ie takes no responsibility for any resulting loss of life, severe paralysis, or mental derangement. We’re still paying out for the last tenant].

All-in-all, this is an incredible opportunity – you won’t be able to believe your eyes when you see it in person. Literally. Email today: wetwetwetproperties@slimeandgrime.com.

Bring a wetsuit, flippers, twenty-five towels, fire lighters, seven wooden pallets and a sense of adventure. Possibly a rescue dolphin. Home insurance optional.

Note: This is a studio flat, not suitable for couples. Unless one is a mermaid. Or merman. We do not discriminate.

 

*Imagination required. Ocean=Liffey. Blue=dirty brown. Literal mindedness or functioning sensory ability not recommended

**Comparison details available on request. Please see ‘Hellholes and Torture Chambers: Abominable Suffering In The World’s Worst Accommodation”.

 

Rustic Riverside Retreat

Want to get away from it all, awaken to the sound of birdsong and rushing water and enjoy being immersed in Mother Nature’s beautiful surroundings?

Well then, this is the property for you!

Idyllic, tranquil location at the edge of the River Boyne, this property is well camouflaged and therefore suitable for birdwatchers,  fishermen/women and misanthropists of all shapes and sizes.  Boasting an unparalleled view of the mighty Boyne river, this well apportioned home is thoroughly in harmony with its surroundings and conveniently located beside a path. It also comes with its own bolted door to secure the property and keep out those pesky walkers and dogs who occasionally wander past! (Disclaimer: We cannot be held responsible for walkers/dogs confusing your home with a toilet!) Constructed from corrugated iron, this one-room, self-contained property is both substantial and waterproof. Unequipped with anything resembling a mod-con, nonetheless, what it lacks in modern accoutrements, it more than makes up for in location terms (and as everyone knows, location is everything!! No couples or smokers need apply (as the place could easily go up in flames!). Parking and Wifi non-existent but if you live here, who needs either?!

Please contact thisisreallyjustagardenshed@astronomicalprices@eircom.net for more information

 

Maritime Property for sale

See yourself as a bit of a James Bond? Want to own your own speedboat, party and pick up lots of chicks?

Fear not, with this home on the water, now you can!  Amply proportioned and well- appointed property located in the highly sought-after Port area, this property commands stunning views of the harbour. If you’re in the business of people-smuggling or illicit drugs/arms trade, then a tidy living is potentially to be made through transporting same in and out of the port area (*but you must avoid the sniffer dogs and Customs officers!)

This property has the advantage of being fully submersible so should underwater exploration be on your Bucket List, then this is the option for you!

A steal at only €25,000, this mature maritime property  comes to the market with its very own butler (for serving canapés at all those parties you’ll be hosting on board). Enquiries to Howdumbareyoureally@eircom.net

For Sale to the Highest Bidder!

Salt cellar- I mean , bijoux property–  located alongside the highly sought after area of Dublin 2 alongside the tree-lined Canal Bank Walk. Take a leaf out of the pages of Patrick Kavanagh and in this colourful property, suitable for one vertically challenged individual, you could be inspired to write poetry every day! This property also comes with its very own fleet (gaggle? swarm?) of swans  in case you ever get lonely and need company.  Be lulled to sleep every night with the rippling sounds of water flowing and on a sunny day you’ll spot barges gliding along en-route to exotic destinations such as Athlone and Carrick-on-Shannon!

Constructed from reinforced plastic and equipped with its own roof, you’ll be snug and dry every night, regardless of the season!

Property will be listed at Sothebys on 2nd February. For more details, please contact Valuations@nowyou’rereallyhavingalaugh.com

For Sale: Mobile home of Dreams

Ever wanted the freedom and independence of your own home with the added advantage of being able to travel at a moment’s notice? Well now you CAN have the home of your dreams!

Don’t let the lack of windows put you off! This mobile home-on-wheels requires only a little imagination to transport one to far distant shores (of one’s own mind! )Coming into the market in pristine condition, this is a home fit for cash -strapped but aspiring upwardly mobile (geddit?) millennials who want the freedom to travel without leaving the confines of their room! A real bargain at only €800 per inch of space, this home is retro-fitted with its own slate roof and comes with its own wheels (the car is extra!) . Enquiries to info@youmustbejoking.ie

The ultimate box room

Unemcumbered by elaborate frills, this bijou easily maintained box room is suitable for a Westmeath student or 45 poor Brazilians.

Boasting easily recycled materials and thus contributing to the salvation of the planet, this green home from home is also environmentally friendly.*

Distinctly advantageous for seekers of copious amounts of vitamin D (at no extra charge), and/or dedicated consumers of fresh air.

Rent: All extortionate offers considered – references essential. Non–smoking and couples need not apply, unless they are very petite.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*except to the residents.

 

Riverside dream

 

Idlyllic rural riverside retreat with charming characterisitcs redolent of an old world grandeur rarely found in properties of this type.

Although situated in Navan the arsehole end of the universe (and nothing like the salubrious scintilatiling wonderfulness of Carlow), this must be seen to be believed.

Appearences do not lie and words are insufficent to describe the unassailable splendor of this majestic setting!

Located on the banks of the beguiling Boyne river this one storey cottage is possessed of excellent air conditioning and splendid skylights from which the stars can be seen every night of the year – whether you want to or not.

This bespoke stonework echoes the palatial villas of Tuscany with the added bonus of its riverside setting where salmon will be seen leaping over the weir and birdsong greets you as the dawn breaks over the sylvan paradise of the Ramparts, site of many an act of teenage high jinks and rise in Navan’s population.

 

 

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