Latest

A gardiner’s greenfingered paradise

 

You may have heard a property described as unique before, but this gem truly is a one-off.

We doubt you have ever seen anything like it – and perhaps never will again: opportunities like this don’t crop up everyday.

If you like nature and are a bit of a gardening fiend, this is the rental property for you. Live not just close to but – can you believe it – beside your vegetables (and we don’t mean your family or neighbours!).

Measuring 8ft by 4ft and with an aerodynamic 3ft in height (covered) or airy unlimited vertical vistas with the roof retracted, we recommmend a viewing to really appreciate what you would be getting yourself into.

Don’t delay, put down roots today!!

Email: topofthecrop@windowboxesareus.com

Picturesque Tree Enshrouded Chalet

Picturesque Tree Enshrouded Chalet
Picturesque Tree Enshrouded Chalet

Were you by any chance a reader as a child? Were you entranced and enraptured by the escapades of dear little Heidi in the Swiss Mountains?

Has your heart always been beating for a cosy chalet all of your very (Tobler)own? Tree enshrouded, with room for a goat and a full-throated morning yodel to welcome another glorious dawn?

Boy, do we have just the property for you!

Take those mental images of Alpine bliss and compare them to our picture – I know, right, it’s just completely impossible to tell the difference! It’s as if your dream took flight and landed in a comfy cul-de-sac in Dublin 2. True, we might have to substitute warm welcoming Irish concrete for cold unforgiving Swiss granite, but the rest remains unchanged.

The chalet comes complete with oodles of space – at one stage last year the landlord tells us she had 67 Brazilian students enjoying this bucolic retreat from the pressures of city life.

Now you can too! [Without the 67 Brazilians].

The chalet comes with hot and cold zephyrs of air, gently caressing you into slumber and on hand again to tickle you teasingly into a new day.

Your green sensibilities will not be disturbed by the wanton use of artificial plastic insulation – this wooden mini-palace is all genuine unadorned timber in the oh so a-la-mode style of uber-naturalism, unaffected and unspoilt by so much as a coat of paint.

Aspirations to a genuine rustic lifestyle are further enhanced by the local wildlife, with urban foxes, badgers and pine martens* often spotted frolicking nearby. The local population also frolic playfully in the neighbourhood, in different but no less entertaining ways – voices can often be heard warbling heartwarming lullabies in the inimitable argot of inner city Dublin.**

Dangers of sunburn and heatstroke are not only guarded against by Dublin’s innate temperate climate, but also by the shade provided by the soaring trees alongside (and slightly inside) the chalet – a scene that can conjure up a vista from the Tuscan countryside.

For this little piece of Swiss Alpine heaven melded with the best of Italian Tuscan palazzi, make your best offer to thejoyofsheds@weseeyoucomingrentals.com.

[Prospective renters are advised to bring a saw, as there have been some issues with entry and exit. Windows available on request.]

 

*Pine martens in Dublin are frequently mistaken for rats, but rest assured this is merely a trick of the light and a side effect of an urban diet on these cuddliest of creatures.

**Confirmation of content subject to translation by our anthropological consultants, Anto and Dec (Mounyjoy Creative Enterprises Ltd).

 

 

You Don’t Have To Be A Sardine To Live Here But………

Have you always dreamed of a life afloat? Have you ever looked at a can of newly opened sardines and thought – “they look so cosy and content in that compact yet entirely adequate accommodation?”

Of course you have!

Well, look no further. We have the perfect platform to make your life as a human sardine a reality!

A floating tin can!

Yes, you read that correctly – your very own floating tin can, at a price that won’t drain your finances.

Situated in the rapidly developing Docklands area, enviably located right beside the 3 Arena, and only a few oar lengths from Dublin Port Ferry Terminal, this is a superb springboard to a better life on the ocean blue*

You will feel pampered and privileged** when you wake every morning to the mellifluous sound of sea gulls serenading the arrival of another sun-drenched day in Dublin Port.

You will positively love the smell of diesel in the morning – occasionally too, small chemical spillages from passing freighters catch fire, and the toast tastes absolutely exotic! [Modest additional charge for this extra amenity]

Your morning swim (whether voluntary or accidental) can double as a treasure-hunting expedition cum salvage operation – the China market is awash (pardon the pun!) right now with urgent requests for abandoned shopping trolleys, rusting bicycles and washing machine carcasses! Your future waterside residence comes with the potential to make a killing! [Caution advised: MyHovel.ie takes no responsibility for any resulting loss of life, severe paralysis, or mental derangement. We’re still paying out for the last tenant].

All-in-all, this is an incredible opportunity – you won’t be able to believe your eyes when you see it in person. Literally. Email today: wetwetwetproperties@slimeandgrime.com.

Bring a wetsuit, flippers, twenty-five towels, fire lighters, seven wooden pallets and a sense of adventure. Possibly a rescue dolphin. Home insurance optional.

Note: This is a studio flat, not suitable for couples. Unless one is a mermaid. Or merman. We do not discriminate.

 

*Imagination required. Ocean=Liffey. Blue=dirty brown. Literal mindedness or functioning sensory ability not recommended

**Comparison details available on request. Please see ‘Hellholes and Torture Chambers: Abominable Suffering In The World’s Worst Accommodation”.

 

Rustic Riverside Retreat

Want to get away from it all, awaken to the sound of birdsong and rushing water and enjoy being immersed in Mother Nature’s beautiful surroundings?

Well then, this is the property for you!

Idyllic, tranquil location at the edge of the River Boyne, this property is well camouflaged and therefore suitable for birdwatchers,  fishermen/women and misanthropists of all shapes and sizes.  Boasting an unparalleled view of the mighty Boyne river, this well apportioned home is thoroughly in harmony with its surroundings and conveniently located beside a path. It also comes with its own bolted door to secure the property and keep out those pesky walkers and dogs who occasionally wander past! (Disclaimer: We cannot be held responsible for walkers/dogs confusing your home with a toilet!) Constructed from corrugated iron, this one-room, self-contained property is both substantial and waterproof. Unequipped with anything resembling a mod-con, nonetheless, what it lacks in modern accoutrements, it more than makes up for in location terms (and as everyone knows, location is everything!! No couples or smokers need apply (as the place could easily go up in flames!). Parking and Wifi non-existent but if you live here, who needs either?!

Please contact thisisreallyjustagardenshed@astronomicalprices@eircom.net for more information

 

Maritime Property for sale

See yourself as a bit of a James Bond? Want to own your own speedboat, party and pick up lots of chicks?

Fear not, with this home on the water, now you can!  Amply proportioned and well- appointed property located in the highly sought-after Port area, this property commands stunning views of the harbour. If you’re in the business of people-smuggling or illicit drugs/arms trade, then a tidy living is potentially to be made through transporting same in and out of the port area (*but you must avoid the sniffer dogs and Customs officers!)

This property has the advantage of being fully submersible so should underwater exploration be on your Bucket List, then this is the option for you!

A steal at only €25,000, this mature maritime property  comes to the market with its very own butler (for serving canapés at all those parties you’ll be hosting on board). Enquiries to Howdumbareyoureally@eircom.net

For Sale to the Highest Bidder!

Salt cellar- I mean , bijoux property–  located alongside the highly sought after area of Dublin 2 alongside the tree-lined Canal Bank Walk. Take a leaf out of the pages of Patrick Kavanagh and in this colourful property, suitable for one vertically challenged individual, you could be inspired to write poetry every day! This property also comes with its very own fleet (gaggle? swarm?) of swans  in case you ever get lonely and need company.  Be lulled to sleep every night with the rippling sounds of water flowing and on a sunny day you’ll spot barges gliding along en-route to exotic destinations such as Athlone and Carrick-on-Shannon!

Constructed from reinforced plastic and equipped with its own roof, you’ll be snug and dry every night, regardless of the season!

Property will be listed at Sothebys on 2nd February. For more details, please contact Valuations@nowyou’rereallyhavingalaugh.com

For Sale: Mobile home of Dreams

Ever wanted the freedom and independence of your own home with the added advantage of being able to travel at a moment’s notice? Well now you CAN have the home of your dreams!

Don’t let the lack of windows put you off! This mobile home-on-wheels requires only a little imagination to transport one to far distant shores (of one’s own mind! )Coming into the market in pristine condition, this is a home fit for cash -strapped but aspiring upwardly mobile (geddit?) millennials who want the freedom to travel without leaving the confines of their room! A real bargain at only €800 per inch of space, this home is retro-fitted with its own slate roof and comes with its own wheels (the car is extra!) . Enquiries to info@youmustbejoking.ie