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Modest Holding in an InSpired Location

Well, we have had some truly terrific hovels featured on these pages before and loathe as we are to pick out just one magnificent dream home as the uber manifestation of what we all long for in a home, this latest entry onto the market is unique in so so many ways.

First the picket fence that envelops the property in a warm fuzzy embrace! Isn’t that the sine qua non, the piece de resistance and the cat’s pyjamas all rolled into one? Your eyes are out on stalks already, aren’t they? You can’t quite believe what you’re seeing and we’re selling, eh?

Never mind the fence is edgy red, none of that staid so-last-millenium white version – let’s face it only the KKK do white fences these days darlings – just feast your attention on the location.

Location is the watchword for quality honest estate agents everywhere. And us. And what a location – plum slap dab in the middle of Dublin’s main warzone thoroughfare: O’Connell Street. You can see the bright lights twinkling merrily in the soft-focused background above (not the blue flashing ones, they’re slightly different but let’s not get distracted) – yes, you did read that correctly, we’re not trying to pull the wool over your eyes or sell you a pig in a poke, you can live on O’Connell Street! The heart of beating beating heart of the city.

You can have your very own private verandah overlooking the nation’s prime boulevard and its never-ending cavalcade of colourful characters, exotic traffic and mellifluous ambience – you won’t believe your eyes or ears (or nose) if you’re lucky enough to secure a life less ordinary* at this exquisite address.

The site is choc full of opportunity for the ultimate glamping experience** that will be like nothing your imagination could conjure up*** We promise.

To view this very special Dublin residence, email us at: AtLeastItsNotSomalia@HolesForHabitation.com

Rental price guide: €1300 a month and one kidney as a deposit – in some circumstances the owner may accept contributions towards his hair transplant: one or two adult scalps.

 

*And possibly shorter.

**Own glamping equipment needed. Possibly stab-proof. Preferably armoured.

*** Unless your imagination gets off on mashing up Apocalypse Now, Alien and Trainspotting – in which case, perhaps we might, reluctantly, forego the pleasure of making your acquaintance.

A gardiner’s greenfingered paradise

 

You may have heard a property described as unique before, but this gem truly is a one-off.

We doubt you have ever seen anything like it – and perhaps never will again: opportunities like this don’t crop up everyday.

If you like nature and are a bit of a gardening fiend, this is the rental property for you. Live not just close to but – can you believe it – beside your vegetables (and we don’t mean your family or neighbours!).

Measuring 8ft by 4ft and with an aerodynamic 3ft in height (covered) or airy unlimited vertical vistas with the roof retracted, we recommmend a viewing to really appreciate what you would be getting yourself into.

Don’t delay, put down roots today!!

Email: topofthecrop@windowboxesareus.com

Picturesque Tree Enshrouded Chalet

Picturesque Tree Enshrouded Chalet
Picturesque Tree Enshrouded Chalet

Were you by any chance a reader as a child? Were you entranced and enraptured by the escapades of dear little Heidi in the Swiss Mountains?

Has your heart always been beating for a cosy chalet all of your very (Tobler)own? Tree enshrouded, with room for a goat and a full-throated morning yodel to welcome another glorious dawn?

Boy, do we have just the property for you!

Take those mental images of Alpine bliss and compare them to our picture – I know, right, it’s just completely impossible to tell the difference! It’s as if your dream took flight and landed in a comfy cul-de-sac in Dublin 2. True, we might have to substitute warm welcoming Irish concrete for cold unforgiving Swiss granite, but the rest remains unchanged.

The chalet comes complete with oodles of space – at one stage last year the landlord tells us she had 67 Brazilian students enjoying this bucolic retreat from the pressures of city life.

Now you can too! [Without the 67 Brazilians].

The chalet comes with hot and cold zephyrs of air, gently caressing you into slumber and on hand again to tickle you teasingly into a new day.

Your green sensibilities will not be disturbed by the wanton use of artificial plastic insulation – this wooden mini-palace is all genuine unadorned timber in the oh so a-la-mode style of uber-naturalism, unaffected and unspoilt by so much as a coat of paint.

Aspirations to a genuine rustic lifestyle are further enhanced by the local wildlife, with urban foxes, badgers and pine martens* often spotted frolicking nearby. The local population also frolic playfully in the neighbourhood, in different but no less entertaining ways – voices can often be heard warbling heartwarming lullabies in the inimitable argot of inner city Dublin.**

Dangers of sunburn and heatstroke are not only guarded against by Dublin’s innate temperate climate, but also by the shade provided by the soaring trees alongside (and slightly inside) the chalet – a scene that can conjure up a vista from the Tuscan countryside.

For this little piece of Swiss Alpine heaven melded with the best of Italian Tuscan palazzi, make your best offer to thejoyofsheds@weseeyoucomingrentals.com.

[Prospective renters are advised to bring a saw, as there have been some issues with entry and exit. Windows available on request.]

 

*Pine martens in Dublin are frequently mistaken for rats, but rest assured this is merely a trick of the light and a side effect of an urban diet on these cuddliest of creatures.

**Confirmation of content subject to translation by our anthropological consultants, Anto and Dec (Mounyjoy Creative Enterprises Ltd).

 

 

You Don’t Have To Be A Sardine To Live Here But………

Have you always dreamed of a life afloat? Have you ever looked at a can of newly opened sardines and thought – “they look so cosy and content in that compact yet entirely adequate accommodation?”

Of course you have!

Well, look no further. We have the perfect platform to make your life as a human sardine a reality!

A floating tin can!

Yes, you read that correctly – your very own floating tin can, at a price that won’t drain your finances.

Situated in the rapidly developing Docklands area, enviably located right beside the 3 Arena, and only a few oar lengths from Dublin Port Ferry Terminal, this is a superb springboard to a better life on the ocean blue*

You will feel pampered and privileged** when you wake every morning to the mellifluous sound of sea gulls serenading the arrival of another sun-drenched day in Dublin Port.

You will positively love the smell of diesel in the morning – occasionally too, small chemical spillages from passing freighters catch fire, and the toast tastes absolutely exotic! [Modest additional charge for this extra amenity]

Your morning swim (whether voluntary or accidental) can double as a treasure-hunting expedition cum salvage operation – the China market is awash (pardon the pun!) right now with urgent requests for abandoned shopping trolleys, rusting bicycles and washing machine carcasses! Your future waterside residence comes with the potential to make a killing! [Caution advised: MyHovel.ie takes no responsibility for any resulting loss of life, severe paralysis, or mental derangement. We’re still paying out for the last tenant].

All-in-all, this is an incredible opportunity – you won’t be able to believe your eyes when you see it in person. Literally. Email today: wetwetwetproperties@slimeandgrime.com.

Bring a wetsuit, flippers, twenty-five towels, fire lighters, seven wooden pallets and a sense of adventure. Possibly a rescue dolphin. Home insurance optional.

Note: This is a studio flat, not suitable for couples. Unless one is a mermaid. Or merman. We do not discriminate.

 

*Imagination required. Ocean=Liffey. Blue=dirty brown. Literal mindedness or functioning sensory ability not recommended

**Comparison details available on request. Please see ‘Hellholes and Torture Chambers: Abominable Suffering In The World’s Worst Accommodation”.