Homeless people enjoyed some fantastic floody frolics this Friday as the warm autumnal drizzle (or “downpour” as the spoilsports at Met Éireann called it. No fun at all at all that crowd) drifted down at the speed of your average meteor.
They had pools and small lakes to paddle in to their hearts delight – and all for free. *
Merry japes were being had all over Dublin and indeed the entire country! LOL!
Bring it on we say! Who needs a roof coming between them and this mighty craic?! That’s right – no one! Which is exactly the same number of people as can afford a house in Ireland! No one! LOL!
We understand the Minister for Homelessness, Lack of Planning and General Chaos, Eoghan Murphy, has asked his officials to examine providing new and larger bins around Dublin City.
Speaking after a photoshoot with GQ and just before the launch of ‘Pavement Chic’, his new, limited clothing line, the Minister said that the move made sense.
“We know that the average studio apartment is spacious, or so my officials have told me. They are, however, at one and the same time not much larger than an average city bin.
Therefore, my Department and I have come up with yet another genius idea to solve the housing situation – only Sinn Féin and the homeless, if there’s a difference, call it a crisis.
These new ‘human bins’ will give everyone a roof over their head – although they can pop it out really quickly to ask passersby for food and change. We are convinced this meets the needs of everyone.
Those without homes get accommodation and those comfortably off get a cleaner safer environment.We are calling it the “Bin the Homeless” Scheme and we think it will be major success, at least in the media, which believes everything I say.”
After an exhausting 45 minutes of ministering, Murphy was then chauffered off for a well earned brunch and a nap.
So. Imagine you are a young professional. Newly qualified in coding or customer services or languages or finance or social media or PR, or a host of other areas.
You’re eager to get started in a new job, and maybe see a bit of the world at the same time.
You’ve spent the last few years in college, broke, living on a pittance and sharing your living space with a small army of flatmates to keep costs down.
But your life will change. After all, you have a job now, with proper pay and the other perks that go with being an adult – the freedom to go to bed when you want to, have your friends over whenever you want – even have people stay over because after all you’ll have your very own place.
You wake up in Ireland. Attracted by the giants of tech like Facebook, Google, LinkedIn and a host of others, you’re now a newly-minted Dubliner.
And instead of your own nice little apartment paid for by the proceeds of your long hours of hard work, you’re back sharing with flatmates again. Many many more flatmates than you’ve ever had before, even as a penniless student.
You’re paying €500 or so for a bunk bed in a room with five other people. Plus your bills. And living expenses.
How did such a situation come about in a city not exactly short of land, in a country not short of space?
Some of your friends have gone to live in Paris and Berlin, and in those cities they say that finding a decent place to live isn’t so hard and you get what you pay for.
Why is the situation so much worse in a small country with a relatively small population?
Why do people put up with such shoddy circumstances and pay so much for so very little?
Why is there not outrage and fury at such bad planning? At the inaction of the government?
At the greed that underpins everything?
And permeates society like an insidious disease?
Answers on a postcard would be welcome, because nobody here seems to know………..
Thought the rental situation in Dublin couldn’t get any worse? The underside of bridges beginning to hold an appeal in a certain light? You’ve always wanted a bit of excitement and danger in your life, and well, let’s face it, living under a bridge does have that certain ‘je ne sais quoi’…
Well, your eyes do not deceive you. This is indeed a bridge. And, yes, that is water running under it. No doubt you’re thinking, “But where could I pitch my tent?” Fear not, here at “For Every Housing Problem We Have A Solution” estate agents, we have anticipated just this sort of mindset! And we have the perfect solution for you! We provide you with your very own ‘spot’ under the canal (we’ve secured Dublin City Council’s permission to lease out spots in this location) PLUS a free tarpaulin to tie up around the bridge creating a dry and cosy covering. And that’s not all, we’ll also throw in a canoe to create your very own, compact and portable floating home!!:-)
This Bohemian lifestyle comes with a very reasonable price tag, a mere €500 rental per month. Obviously, there’ll be a deposit of €500 to secure your ‘spot’ under the bridge and references will be required to arrange a viewing. Don’t hesitate to call us today and snap up this picturesque spot before it’s gone!
Instead, they view them as milch cows, a source of cash to be packed in tightly and milked relentlessly for all they’re worth – and hang the consequences.
Untrammelled greed is a terrible thing to witness and a worse thing to be gripped by – but as far as concrete ramifications go, there don’t appear to be any for these unscrupulous landlords.
Cramming as many as fifteen people (or more) into a small space will eventually and inevitably lead to tragedy – mixing high occupancy rates with old buildings in bad condition is tantamount to inviting a fire.
Beyond the terrible prospect of death and serious injury, is a more mundane question.
Why is it considered permissible to charge €750 for substandard accommodation? And to treat one category of people – students – differently, that is to say much less favourably, than others?
In the current housing and accommodation crisis a far more rigorous and active housing standards inspectorate is badly needed – not only to protect against decrepit and unsanitary lettings but to combat potential fatalities.
It’s easier to sanction the living than raise the dead.